Shinra vs. Nike
by Rufus J ShinRa1
Summary: The final Shinra vs. story. Rufus and the Turks narrowly escaping the destruction of Shinra hq must face Dennis Rodman and his company Nike. In order to bring peace back to the FF7 world they must defeat this last leader of the 3 evil big corperations. Ex


  
  
  
Shinra Vs. Nike  
  
  
HI PEOPLES! RJS HERE AND THIS IS THE LAST SHINRA VS. STORY! ENJOY!  
  
  
  
  
"They thought they had destroyed all the companies...fools...Starbucks and Nike were just pawns in my sick game. They will never destroy this enterprise! NEVER!" Dennis Rodman roared through NIKE headquarters. Rodman held up a picture of Rufus Shinra.  
  
"Mr.Shinra I won't take over your company like my predecessors...I'll destroy it...WAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!!!" Dennis Rodman laughed through the halls of his HQ.  
  
  
  
(Shinra HQ)  
  
Rufus stepped out of his car.   
  
"Time to start another day at the-AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Rufus yelled as he saw the Shinra building on fire. Rufus ran through the building and looked at his two systems. His PS2 and his N64. Quickly tossing the N64 into the fire and grabbing Darknation Rufus ran back out of the burning building.  
  
"My dreams...My money...My Hentai collection...ALL GONE! WAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" Rufus cried with large anime teardrops. He saw Reno and the Turks crawl out of the rubble.  
  
"D-Dennis Rodman did this..." Reno coughed and was hit in the face by a Yo-yo.  
  
"TSENG! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!" Reno yelled. Tseng hung his head low and Reno got hit in the face with a basketball.  
  
"TSENG!" Reno yelled. Tseng shrugged.   
  
"It wasn't me." Tseng said. Then Rodman stood there in a flowing...Pink Dress in all.  
  
"Wahahhahha...consider this a warning. I'm gonna take over the FF world and no company stands in my way now! Thanks for destroying Microsoft and Starbucks for me!" Rodman laughed and jumped away in his Nike airwalks.  
  
"COWARD!" Rufus yelled and then he got hit in the face by a 4 square ball. Tseng apologized and Rufus smacked him. The pair left the smoldering remains of the Shinra building Rufus's PS2 safely in his hands.  
  
  
(Cloud and Tifa's house)   
  
The doorbell rang at the Strife's home. Tifa opened the door to reveal Rufus and the Turks with sleeping bags and luggage.  
  
"No way! In your dreams!" Tifa said and Rufus gave her his puppy dog whimper.   
  
"Not falling for it you stupid-hey is that a PS2?" Tifa said and the Shinra members nodded.  
  
"Well in that case your our guests of honor. Anyone want a cookie?" Tifa said holding up a tray and Rufus and his Turks gobbled them all down and the set thier sleeping bags in the living room. Cloud came in.  
  
"Why are they here?" He asked. Rufus stood up.  
  
"Dennis Rodman burned our HQ down so we need a place to stay for a few weeks." Rufus said. Cloud shook his head.  
  
"Tommorow morning your getting an apartment. Good night." Cloud said and shut the light off. Reno went up to go to the bathroom even though it was pitch dark.  
  
"Hey why dosen't this thing flush?" Reno asked and Rufus gasped.  
  
"RENO THAT'S THE FISH BOWL YOUR PISSING IN!!!!!!!!!" Rufus screamed. Reno with wide eyes watched the poor rare one of a kind tropical fish die in the now yellow water.   
  
"Oh crap!" Reno said. Elena yawned and fell asleep and Reno took his Cat in the Hat book and asked Rufus to read it to him as a bed time story.  
  
"No you idiot!" Rufus said and punched Reno on the head. Rufus then fell asleep.  
  
  
(Apartment complex)  
  
"So...this apartment will be more then enough for all five of you." The salesman said and Rufus nodded trying to look away from the cockroaches on the ground and the pee stains on the floor. Rufus weakly handed the man some money.  
  
"So when are we gonna fight Rodman?" Reno asked. Rufus took a Lysol can and sprayed the room.  
  
"I don't know. We have to relax a bit. And we need food because we are going to live here for awhile!" Rufus said. Tseng saluted Rufus and stood up.  
  
"I'll get right on it, sir." Tseng said and tossed a bouncy ball. It hit Reno in the face and Reno fell out the window.  
  
  
  
(Supermarket)  
  
"Let's see...I got...Kamabokou,Sushi,Tempura,Rice balls,Green Tea...Everything we need for a Japanese dinner...It'll cost a fortune so I'll add it to Rufus's credit card." Tseng said putting everything in the check-out line.  
  
"The clerk smiled." Can I help you ummm...Mr. Shinra?" The man said looking at Rufus's credit card. Tseng nodded and took his his goods but no sooner did he do so as Dennis Rodman burst in with two Basketballs in his hands.  
  
"Wahahahah!!!! BOW DOWN TO THE NIKE EMPIRE!" Rodman said and threw a Basketball at Tseng sending Tseng into a stand full of Captain Crunch. Tseng coughed up the cereal and stood up wobbling a bit. Rodman sneered and threw another Basketball at Tseng and it sent Tseng back into the Oriental foods section where Tseng was shopping. Tseng had soy sauce in his hair and bits of Chiniese sweet and sour sauce on his face. Rodman laughed with glee and jumped away in his Nike airwalks. Tseng coughed up some Stir-fry noodles and collapsed.   
  
  
(Apartment)  
  
"Dennis Rodman attacked you? Are you okay?" Elena asked Tseng. Tseng nodded slowly.   
  
"I was attacked in the oriental food section. I bought some Japanese food but used Rufus's credit card." Tseng said. Rufus turned red.   
  
"I'll be right back." Rufus said and came back with a high powered machine gun.  
  
"DIE!!!" Rufus yelled and shot the gun at Tseng.  
  
"EEP!" Tseng yelled and ran around avoiding the bullet fire. Rufus tossed the gun away and came back with his shotgun and fired several rounds at Tseng. Tseng avoided them all.  
  
"YOU IDIOT RUFUS! YOUR DESTROYING OUR PLACE TO LIVE!" Elena yelled. Rufus calmed down and collapsed.  
  
  
(Rodman's top secret FF7 world factory)  
  
Dennis Rodman stood in a fearsome pink dress. It was a Nike factory alright, and Golbexz from FF4 and Cyan from FF6 and many other's were working in the factory chained together.  
  
"Make more shoes slave!" Rodman yelled and whipped Cecil. Cecil yelled out in pain and Rodman whipped him again.  
  
"Dude, that really-AHHH! MY SPECIAL SPOT!" Cecil yelled and collapsed to the ground. Rodman motioned to two guards and they carried him away.   
"Yahahahaha!!! Now that the Shinra are gone the FF world belongs to me! Soon I shall En-slave every FF charachter!" Rodman laughed.  
  
"Even Vivi?" Everyone asked.   
  
"ESPECIALLY Vivi." Rodman said and everyone gasped. Rubricant and Milon stood up.  
  
"MONSTER!" They cried. Rodman snorted and threw a basketball at both of them knocking them to the ground. Rubricant crawled toward Rodman.  
  
"Can't let you-" He started and got whipped in the face.  
  
"Silence you stupid Fire Fiend!" Rodman yelled whipping Rubricant. Rodman then looked at Steiner who was being held back by several guards.   
  
"Tell me where The Shinra are." Rodman said.   
  
"Thou shalt never tell you!" Steiner said. Rodman slowly started to lift his dress and Steiner screamed.  
  
"OKAY! OKAY! IN AN APARTMENT! GOOD GOD!" Steiner said and Rodman bounced of in his Nike Airwalks.  
  
(Apartment)  
  
A knock came at the door. Elena walked up.  
  
"Who is it?" Elena asked.  
  
"Maybe it's a Striptease person!" Rufus said getting up. Elena looked puzzled.  
  
"I didn't order that..." She said but Reno smirked.  
  
"No, But I did." He said grinning and opened the door and there stood Rodman in his dress.  
  
"Your a bit ugly for...you know." Rufus said and got hit in the face with a basketball.  
  
"Shut up! You are now all my sweat shop workers!" Rodman roared. Reno punched at Rodman but Rodman scrunched Reno up like a Basketball and dribbled him a bit. He then threw Reno into a trash can. Elena jumped at him but Rodman jumped on her instead with his Nike Airwalks. Rude ran kamkaze style with Tseng but they both got smacked in the face with Basketballs. Rodman roared with laughter.  
  
  
(FF sweatshop)  
  
"Get to work Prez-boy!" Rodman roared and whipped Rufus. Rufus screamed in pain and returned to making a Nike shoe. Rubricant shifted over to Rufus.  
  
"That guy is enslaving everyone! Even Vivi." Rubricant said and Rufus gasped.  
  
"Not Vivi!" He said and Rubricant silenced him.   
  
"Your Turks and the other four fiends of elementals will meet you during the bathroom break." He whispered and Rufus nodded.  
  
(Bathroom break)  
  
It was time for the bathroom break. The Turks and the Four Fiends of elementals gathered.  
  
"Okay, Rodman is in his room trying on some panties." Rubricant started. Rufus vomited.  
  
"Yeah I know. Anyway what's the plan?" Kainazzo asked. Rubricant got up but was stopped by Rodman.  
  
"You fools! Trying to escape eh? Well here's Girduex from the game Syphon Filter to finish you off!" Rodman roared and a large completly armored man with a heavy french accent stepped up.  
  
"You can't win Rufus!" He said and fired his flame thrower at Rufus. Rufus yelped and ran away from the fire.  
  
"Your going to burn!" Girduex said in his heavy french accent. Rufus fired his shotgun and the shotgun shell bounced of Girduex.  
  
"Is that the best you can do?" Girduex said in his french accent. Rufus screamed.  
  
"QUIT THE STUPID ACCENT!" Rufus yelled shooting the flame throwers tank blowing Girduex up. Rodman snapped his fingers.  
  
"DAMMIT! I'LL MEET YOU AT THE WHAREHOUSE AT 8:00! IN PASSADENA!" Rodman screamed and escaped. Rufus jumped into a Jaguar.  
  
"The Wharehouse at 8:00...in Passadeeeennnaaaaaa!!!!!" He said streaching the last syllable and drove off into the sunset.  
  
"WAIT! YOU FORGOT YOUR GATORADE!" Reno said and Rufus drove back and got it.  
  
  
  
(The Wharehouse)  
  
Rodman stood in front of Rufus. Rodman began the battle and threw a bottle of Herbal Essince at Rufus. The fumes of the shampoo made Rufus go crazy. Rodman started laughing.  
  
"Ha! Ha! Ha! I will destroy you!" Rodman said and Rufus's eyes turned huge and his pupils widened.  
  
"Please don't steal my belly button..." Rufus said in a calm voice. Rodman smacked his head.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT FOOL?" Rodman screamed. Rufus's pupils grew even bigger.  
  
"Don't yell. I can hear you from over here." He said in a calm voice. Rodman grew mad.  
  
"SHUT UP!" He yelled. Rufus's gave a small smile.  
  
"Patience is a virtue!" He said and Rodman screamed and knocked Rufus on the head turning him back to normal.  
  
"W-wha? Oh yeah? Well eat THIS!" Reno screamed and threw the Taco bell dog at Rodman. Rodman screamed.  
  
"Yo Quiro Taco Bell." The chiuachua of evilness said and Rodman threw it out the window. Rodman bounced in his Nike Airwalks on Rufus's head knocking him down.  
  
"I'll finish you!" Rodman said picking up a basketball.  
  
"Rufus? Can you hear me?" a voice of a old man said. Rufus got up.  
  
"Sensei?" He asked.   
  
"Yes. Remember what I taught you..." The voice said. Rufus tried to remember.  
  
"What?" He asked.   
  
"That the Dodgers will never win the world series." Rufus's sensei said.  
  
"HOW THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP ME?" Rufus said. No answer.  
  
"Stupid old man-WOAH!" Rufus said dodging the basketball. ROdman snapped his fingers.  
  
"Missed. But I won't missed this time." Rodman said but a bullet shot away the basketball. There stood Reno.  
  
"NO ONE ENSLAVES VIVI!!!!" He said and sank his teeth into Rodman's crotch and then got up and knocked him out. Reno brushed himself off.  
  
"I think I got-HOLY SHIT!" Reno cried as he saw the hulking large Nike Airwalk towards him.  
  
"This is my true form. You may have defeated Sephiroth and Safer-Gates but you won't defeat me! If you want to fight me...MEET ME IN THE STAPLE CENTER IN LOS ANGLES!" Nike-Rodman said. Rufus got up.  
  
"Why?" He asked.   
  
"Because it's pretty." Nike-Rodman said and bounced off. Rufus got into his Jaguar with Reno and the four fiends and drove towards L.A. All of a sudden in the car a loud gurgling noise erupted and a horrfying stench emerged.  
  
"Rufus did you just fart?" Elena asked.  
  
"Whoops." Rufus said and drove off with the Turks and the Four Fiends knocked out.  
  
  
  
  
(L.A.)  
  
"You know Rufus you better be careful. This is a dangerous town." Milon said and Rufus shrugged.  
  
"Nothings happening." Rufus said. Behind him was a mugging a car hitting someone and two policemen brutally beating a purse snatcher.  
  
"Hello officers." Tseng said and they shot at him. They knocked Tseng down and took his wallet and sped off in thier squad car.  
  
"Haw. Haw." They said as they drove off. Tseng got up.  
  
"They aren't very nice here..." He said as they walked into the Staple center.  
  
  
(Staple Center)  
  
"Man this place is a wreck." Rufus said to Nike-Rodman as he, The Turks and the Four Fiends of elementals confronted him.  
  
"Yeah thy just got finished with an Eminem concert here...ANYWAY I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU ALL!" Rodman said and kicked Reno across the room.  
  
"I have an idea." Rubricant said. Rufus lisened to Rubricants plan. Rufus jumped up on Rodman and un-tied his shoelaced and Nike-Rodman fell and turned back to normal in his Pink dress.  
  
"Now you asked for it!" Rodman said and started to lift his dress up.  
  
"NO!" They all cried. Rodman laughed with glee and pulled out a fish and started whacking Rufus in the face.  
  
"OW!!!!" Rufus cried.  
  
"Your villany ends here." a voice said and there stood Sephiroth. Rodman got up.  
  
"Yeah what are you gonna do?" Rodman said and Sephiroth threw a vat of Starbucks coffee down his throat. ROdman was now addicted to coffee.  
  
"Macchiato....Cappuchinno...need it...." He said in a Zombie voice. Sephiroth held up a jug of coffee.  
  
"Want it?" Sephiroth said and Rodman nodded. Sephiroth crushed it. Rodman screamed.  
  
"Rufus, now!" Cloud said.  
  
"Where did you come from?" Rufus asked. Cloud shrugged.  
  
"The author put me in. JUST DO IT!" Cloud said and Rufus nodded and picked Rodman up.  
  
"THIS IS FOR MY HENTAI COLLECTION!" Rufus said and punched Rodman in the face.  
  
"Ow...that hurt." Rodman said in a little kids voice. Rufus ripped off Rodman's dress and set it on fire.  
  
"NOOOO!!!!!!" Rodman screamed and started to melt since without his dress he couldn't live. Nothing remained of him except his Nike Airwalks. Rufus picked them up.  
  
"Yeah Rufus, destroy the last of those evil compainies...and finish this fanfic I'm getting bored." Cloud said. Rufus nodded and set the Nike shoes on fire and he sulked away. Sephiroth patted him on the back.  
  
"You did the right thing..." Sephiroth said.  
  
Epilouge  
  
The 3 evil companies are destgroyed. And Rufus walks off in the sunset. All of a sudden the sun crashes into the earth and everyone burns to death and dies! WAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA......I LOVE SAD ENDINGS!   
  
  
Just kidding they all lived happily ever after and Rufus restarted Shinra and got all the chicks. Satisfied?   
  
THE END  
  
  
OR IS IT?  
  
IT PROBABLY IS.   
  
IT IS.  
  
BUT EXPECT MORE HUMUROUS STORIES FROM ME RUFUS J SHINRA!   
  
Satisfied now? Damn your hard to please!  
  
  
  
  
I'm going to give you a computer virus!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
Pfh. Fine. (Sulks away)   
  
  
Tseng married Elena, Cloud married Tifa, and Rufus married some hot girl and lived in Mexico on some secret beach! That's the best ending ever SHHHHEEEESSSSSSH!  
  
  
Don't make make you drink Pepto-Bismal!  
  
  
  
Yeah that's what I thought.  
  
  
THE REAL END  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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